About Kitty Village Cat Care Articles Feline Funnies
Feline Funnies: Human Training FAQ for Cats
Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
Whats so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations, and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans, and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
How and When to Get Your Humans Attention
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:
Sitting on paper. An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good its something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys, and small children.
Waking your human at odd hours. A cats "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your humans sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.
Punishing Your Human
Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold-blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm-blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbors Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your humans face, youll know its worth it.
How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
More Cat HumorCat Bathing as a Martial Art
Fair Game by Stephanie Piro